Beer Never Broke My Heart, but It Has Ruined All of My Relationships
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Loading... - Audrey Davis
- 09 Mar 2023
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Like my idol and personal hero once said, a “long-neck ice-cold beer never broke my heart.” And it’s true. Nothing has ever been there for me more than a nice cold beer. It has been there for me through everything. Especially every breakup.
Remember Becky? She was a firecracker. She’d get mad at me for the smallest stuff. Like that time when I parked my car upside-down in the front yard, then crawled through the window because she changed the locks. Boy was she mad that night. Thank god I had my bedstand beer by my side to comfort me through all the yelling.
Then there was Sally. It was our first anniversary and I was pre-gaming a bit before we went out. The plan was that I’d meet her at the restaurant. Once I got there, apparently, she’d been waiting for an hour or so. I don’t know why she was so bent out of shape. If that were me, I would have just hung out at the bar and maybe ordered a beer. She broke up with me on the spot. Thank God I had some extra beers in the fridge to numb the pain of a broken heart.
And then there was the love of my life, Becky Jane, aka “New Becky.” It was our wedding day. Once I got to the altar (on time!) I started feeling a little sleepy. It’s just that her vows were so long, and I was nodding off a little. I woke up to her crying under her veil, saying something about how I don’t care or whatever. I know she was upset but I thought her knocking the beer out of my hand was a bit much. Anyway, she ran screaming down the aisle and I never saw her again. Read More…
