How to Know a Relationship is Too Much Work
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Loading... - Amelia Poulin
- 11 Apr 2022
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Pouring out all your problems in the first session of couple’s therapy can be a relief. At last, you’re facing what has been pulling you down and apart. However, you could also be overwhelmed. The mountain to be climbed seems so high and the emotional cost so great that the first session feels like a reality check. It is easy to lose faith in the idea that things could ever change for the better. Sometimes the fears come out in the question: Is our relationship worth saving?
Personally, I believe that every committed relationship deserves your best shot and, if that doesn’t work out, a decent burial. But recently one of my clients asked a more interesting question: How do I know if the work our relationships needs is too much work? Here is how I helped answer it.
SEVEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Sometimes the best way to tackle a difficult question is to break it down into other smaller ones.
1. How long have you been together and how high are the stakes?
Around eighteen months to three years into a relationship, the high of falling in love (what therapists call “limerence”) begins to wear off. Whereas previously, you would push down doubts with lovemaking or romantic gestures, you need to face differences and work through them. It is easy to panic and think there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship rather than it is entering a new phase when you start to put down deeper roots based on facing and resolving conflict.
To get an idea of the stakes, ask yourself how many other people will be impacted by the break-up? For example, if you have few social and financial ties, it is a very different equation from owning a home and a business together while having children.
2. What were your expectations going into the relationship?
I am concerned when I discover both ends of this scale. Perhaps you had low expectations and moved in together because it was the next logical step. Think of this as an “escalator relationship” where you drifted into more commitment rather than making a conscious choice. Perhaps, it is time to take stock and think about what you really want.
Conversely, the passion was so great that you thought you’d found your “soulmate.” In the rush to have “happily-ever-after,” did you focus on what you wanted to see and fell in love with an idealized version of your partner? Are you interested in getting to know the real person?
3. What is the pattern of your past relationships?
Write down a list of all your significant relationships—back to your teenage years. How long did each one last? Why did they break down? Who finished the relationship? Have you fallen for the same type over and over again?
Rather than letting history repeat itself, it is worth staying (for the time being) and discovering if you can break the pattern. If you do decide to leave, you will still need to work on yourself or the likelihood is your next relationship could be similar.
4. What could you do differently?
Most people arrive in my office with a long list of how their partner should change but no constructive ideas for what they could do differently. They end up either trying to convince their partner that “I’m right and you’re wrong” or forcing change by upping the stakes on failed strategies (for example, shouting louder or sulking for longer).
What would happen if you focused on the one person, you can change— yourself? You could do the opposite of your usual reaction. If you go silent, try talking. If you pour your heart out, focus on what you really want to say and communicate just one key message.
If there are still things you haven’t tried, what would it be like to stay and experiment?
5. Is someone else coloring the picture?
Are you talking to someone about your relationship problems who has their own agenda? Perhaps your mother does not like your partner. Alternatively, your best friend recently got divorced and is trying to convince themself it was the right choice by encouraging you to do the same.
Alternatively, what if you are attracted to someone else and this person makes your marriage look dull and unappetizing. Perhaps your mind is being poisoned by someone else’s biased take on your partner. Read More…
