Are value differences a deal-breaker for couples?
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Loading... - Paula Dawson
- 22 Mar 2023
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Many couples in the early stages of their relationship push aside value differences, hoping everything will work out, only to find these differences cause big problems down the track.
Differences in values can cause deep resentment between couples and even lead to separation. Many couples say looking back they could see the “orange flags” but ignored them because they were in the throes of love.
Not all differences in values are a deal-breaker. Sometimes partners complement each other with their differences. And sometimes the solution to a difference in values is simply to accept them. There will always be difference between partners. You just need to work out which set of differences you can live with.
In our Sydney and Couples Family Specialist pre-marriage course, we support couples to have an honest conversation about the ‘big ones’ – those values which can really make or break a relationship.
I wish that everyone who is considering a commitment to another person would do at least this component of the course. It would reduce a whole lot of future pain and angst for many people. But whether you are a new couple, a couple thinking about marriage, a couple hoping to have children, or an older couple on your second or third relationship, it’s really important that you stop before you commit and explore each other’s values.
Here is a starting list of values that I encourage couples to talk about.
- Money
- Career
- Parenting
- Family of origin relationships
- Couple relationship
- Where the couple will live
- Adventure and fun
- Socialising with family and friends
- Religion
- Cultural traditions
- Politics
- Education
- Alcohol and drugs
- Retirement
- Intellectual stimulation
Try working through the following together:-
Discuss cultural differences between you both and what is going to be important in your future relationship? For example, christening a child. Or educating a child in a religious school (or not).
Discuss the values from your family of origin you would like to maintain. Eg. How often you expect to see and have contact with your family of origin? What traditions are important to you? Read More…
